Queer This!

A friend told me once that she didn’t feel comfortable identifying as queer because she saw the community as so much of a “fashion statement,” like somehow we have become the next emo kids, the next hipsters at the Beauty Bar, the next bandwagon of the “in” things to do and become. WTF?!!?!? I thought. And what exactly is the process of becoming queer? Am I a poseur who has jumped on the bandwagon? I recently bought a new pair of platforms, did that slide me in to the “in crowd”? Maybe she is just blown away by the queer people around her who happen to like looking good that this blanket statement just fell out of her mouth? Hehe.

An old boyfriend from high school once stopped talking to me because he thought I was a poseur. I was “punk rock” and decided I wanted to start wearing checkers, I fell in love with the specials and somehow that made me a poser. His bad for calling me punk rock in the first place. Which then in turn made me an inauthentic existing body in a gray space of nothingness. I didn’t fit in. I never did. And even today, people describe me as some kind of “punk rock femme who is poly, and queer, and tattooed, and chicana, and a feminist, and sometimes, a hard ass bitch.” okay, I added in that last part, hehe. no one has ever told me that to my face (except my last boifriend, jerk), but i know they have thought it. I tell it like it is, it’s how i roll, and I will call your ass out if I need to.

Back to the point though. I have never quite fit in. And truthfully, I’ve never played with gender as much I am now. Its exciting and frightening at the same time. Am I becoming a shifting self? A hybrid being, a fluid traveling through and through? I am at the crossroads, the in between space where nothing and everything makes a fucking statement. Yet I am struggling to breed honor and value. Am I becoming a shifting self? I’ve stood on the borderlands for the entire time I have been in this consciousness, I inhabit the third space, yet somehow this borderland seems to continue to expand. And sometimes I still feel like I do and don’t fit in… anywhere.

For years I have fought on the never ending battleground of am I brown enough? Am I authentic enough? Am I feminist enough? Am I strong enough? Am I revolutionary enough? Am I wife enough? Am I activist enough? Am I academic enough? And now, am I queer enough?

So many elements to identity, so many ways to box us in. I feel boxed in. Because in the last 6 months or so, this is the shit that has come my way:

You give me trans vibes.”

You’re so femme one day and butchy the next.”

Dood, what’s going on with you?”

Why are you growing your hair out?”

Why do u want to cut your hair I thought u were growing it out?”

You, not a femme? Have you looked in the mirror lately?”

and most recently,

“Hehe, in those pants and that cut off tank top, you look really cute and dykey. Eneri has been pretending to be femme to impress so and so.” WTF??!!!!???? (this actually came from matthew, which then carries an entirely different context, but words are still words right?)

Fuck Eneri, pick an identity already! But what if I already have? What if this is who I am? A shifting self, in and out of the borderlands, in and out of the third space, el mundo zurdo* somewhere along the gender continuum, blurring the lines between butch/femme dichotomies, because I like to work my strap on, I like to top my lovers and I know how to take it like a lady when I want it, all while rocking my ghetto fabulous gold hoops, 4 inch platforms, and with my girls out saying “Hollllah!”

Just the other day I was thinking, “Huh, I wonder if Matthew would fuck me with my strap on?” He is the only bio boy I have come anywhere near lately and probably the only one I will get into bed with for a very long time. And yet while this sounds sexually enticing, at the moment I am caught up in a sexy fucking spiderweb, spending time touching myself, devouring fantasies of sex with my boi friend. I am swimming in waters of lust, chasing after my tranny lover who I dream about fucking, and mostly dream about his cock fucking me. And if this makes me a tranny chaser, than hell fucking yes baby.

We are on the borderlands, living in a third space, and loving him in his third gender. From the moment I felt him inside me, I was queering my life, and yes, behind all this hard talk, i can be a softy, and a romantic at heart.

But people always want to ask, “so… how does it work?’ Or “so, what’s it like?” Or “so does it feel like you’re fucking a woman or a man?”

My response to you fuckers is, “Well, how do you define woman? Man?” I am fucking the person I want to fuck, the person whose body speaks of warmth I haven’t felt from a man in a long time. So go back to your television sets and keep getting fried. And Queer this, your binaries don’t exist, and I wont let you socially construct gender or sexuality onto my mind-body-spirit. Or on his for that matter.

Yea, in some shape or form I have always been the gray area. I define the gray area, I inhabit a place on the inner/outer rims of the grid, the in between space that takes up too much room for the binary stretch, I claim my space, build my own buildings, create new homes out of the lint in my pockets, the dirt on my hands, recipes brewed in my soul, the wetness between my legs. I colonize and rename this gray space as queer, QPOC* if you like it.

I embody this queering self, beyond the binary of a gendered self. I am queering La Frontera, I am queering mi Frontera. Mi frontera is gender queer, queer everything, queering me, queering you, queering us, queering this.

 

And if going home is denied me, then I will have to stand and claim my space, making a new culture — una cultura mestiza — with my own lumber, my own bricks and mortar and my own feminist architecture.”Gloria Anzaldua, Borderlands/La Frontera

* “el mundo zurdo” is a term used by Gloria Anzaldua, a world of “the queer groups, the people that don’t belong anywhere.” It is also the place “where transformation is possible” for the queer mestiza.

* QPOC = Queer People of Color

 


 

 

 

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3 Responses to “Queer This!”

  1. Hell yeah! I’m so fucking excited about your new wordpress blog! Now I can share it with a lot more folks! xoxoxo

    lotu5

  2. […] DJ Queen B has move her blog, and the post I’m referring to, to wordpress! Yay! Check it […]

  3. “punk rock femme who is poly, and queer, and tattooed, and chicana, and a feminist, and sometimes, a hard ass bitch.”
    Hey i know that grrl!

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